Two Quick Book Reviews

Clouds Over Okotoks
by H. Lee Disher

In Clouds Over Okotoks, H. Lee Disher has spun a tale of dauntless character — a panorama of the Canadian West filled with adventure, romance, family life, and amusing coming-of-age situations. Spice this with the author’s spiritual insights and unique sense of humor, and the result is a delightful brand of storytelling.

Those who love the rodeo will find themselves enjoying familiar territory, while those unfamiliar with it (like yours truly) will find themselves immersed in an exciting world of rugged exploits and risk; longing to attend a future bronco-bucking event at the earliest opportunity.

The prose here is as gentle and folksy as the lifestyle we’ve been invited to enjoy. Populated with endearing characters, Mr. Disher has created an entertaining handbook of western life and its untamed nature.

Highly recommended.

Character
by Gerard H. Seijts and Kimberly Young Milani

I must admit, I had initial doubts that this book would have great interest for me. After all, I’m not in a leadership role, nor am I involved in business in any way. Nor do I believe there is much else that anyone can teach this 70-year-old. However, I was delightfully surprised by this absorbing and thought-provoking read. From its initial pages - wherein the authors, in detailed and near-Pirsigian fashion, define character - to a series of fascinating interviews with a number of today’s most influential leaders, Gerard Seijts and Kimberly Young Milani have authored a must-read for anyone wishing to gain insight into what exemplifies character and leadership. 

This volume did indeed teach a few things to this jaded retiree, one of which is to never judge a book until you’ve read the darned thing.

Very highly recommended.

Beware Of Plastic Fruit And Fake Sports

OK. No movie review here. I just need to get this one off my chest:

Last Thursday's Final Jeopardy category was "Sports". The clue was "In 2010 they introduced the 4-point shot, 35 feet from the basket".

Well, I am a big basketball fan, but for the life of me I couldn't come up with the correct answer (or question, in the case of Jeopardy!)  I knew it wasn't the NBA or NCAA, and I was pretty sure that they wouldn't go with some Euro league or a lower level league like the NBA G league. The only thing I could think of was the WNBA (which I do not watch). Even so, I had serious doubts that it would be them. I was stumped.

And the question-style answer was, "Who are the Harlem Globetrotters?"

The Harlem Globetrotters!!!!????  Seriously? The freakin' Globetrotters? Sports? That's worse than calling Hamilton a "musical". It would be akin to calling Cézanne's "The Basket of Apples" "food", or defining plastic fruit as "tasty nourishment."

Warning: Do not eat, regardless of how hungry you are.

Warning: Do not watch, regardless of how starved for sports you are.

The Jeopardy clue states, "they introduced the 4-point shot." Sure. They also introduced the confetti in a water bucket trick. Both have been an integral part of any serious basketball game since. Right.

Perhaps the most laughable claim comes from the Globetrotters themselves. Their web site states, "...the Globetrotters have lost 345 games over the course of nine decades. However, with 27,000 wins, the Globetrotters do own the best winning percentage (. 987) in the history of professional sports."

HA HA HA!!! Sure, you stage a series of shows against a team of stooges that has been paid to let you win, purport your victories to be legitimate, then brag about the whole charade as being some sort of sports milestone. If we allow that, then the baseball team from the play "Take Me Out", the Empires, won 355 World Series titles - on Broadway alone! Suck it up, Yankees.

Let's get this straight once and for all; the Globetrotters are entertainment, not sports. Much like professional wrestling, they should never be mistaken for serious sports competition. 

In fact, these "basketball players" would lose to ANY NCAA Division1 men's team, let alone an NBA team. The latter scenario, my friends, would be decisive and humiliating. It would be a Globetrotter slaughter. 

The Trotters played twenty-two games against college teams from the year 2000 to sometime in 2003. Surprisingly, they finished by winning thirteen and losing nine. But this wasn't their usual entertainment team. This was a team (featuring some battle-hardened ex NBA dudes like Cedric Ceballos, Olden Polynice, and Todd Day) that was specifically put together for serious competition. They would have provided nothing but disappointment to little kiddies coming to see them, expecting the familiar slapstick antics and shenanigans. However, this squad would have surely beaten their perennial patsies and deliberate doormats, the Washington Generals (who, by the way, are also not a real basketball team).

If the flashy theatrical team shown in the above photo had played in that series, they would have certainly finished with zero wins and twenty-two losses. I doubt that the current Globetrotters could even defeat a top level boys high school team. 

And while I'm at it, since this is supposed to be a movie review blog, I'll mention the 1981 effort(?) "The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island."

But be advised, not unlike how the Globetrotters are not really a sports team, this is not really a movie.

And here is a heads-up for the Jeopardy researchers: Bob Denver was an actor. He wasn't really shipwrecked on an island.

South Pacific (1958)

South Terrific

Most people live on a lonely island
Lost in the middle of a foggy sea...

So begins the song "Bali Ha'i" as sung by Bloody Mary in "South Pacific".

I'm assuming when Mary says "most people" she means most people that she knows. For me, most people I know live smack dab in the middle of a large continent where winter snow can drive you indoors for months at a time. We often wish we lived on an island in the middle of a sea. 

"South Pacific" is the film version of the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical set in some islands in the middle of a sea. The movies stars Rossano Brazzi (singing voice dubbed by the outstanding Giorgio Tozzi) as Emile de Becque and Mitzi Gaynor as Nellie Forbush. 

The Italian Brazzi does a decent job as the "cultured Frenchman", but it is the beautiful and talented Gaynor who steals the show as the "little hick" from Little Rock. Her singing, dancing, and acting are all first rate. The supporting cast does not fare so well, with the exception being Ray Walston. He does a great job as the conniving "businessman" Luther Billis.

Lieutenant Cable is played by John Kerr. Why the producers chose this guy to play one of the heroes of the story is beyond comprehension. Kerr tries to make his character seem like a no-nonsense yet amiable and admirable tough guy. Instead he comes across as just a snarky joyless jerk. The producers certainly didn't hire Kerr for his singing prowess. His voice is as tinny and squeaky as Mr. Peepers. So, when he goes from spoken dialog to a singing voice (which is dubbed by the quite capable baritone Bill Lee), it's as jarring as if Bloody Mary had gone into a dance and demonstrated leaps, pirouettes, and pointe technique to rival Anna Pavlova.

Director Joshua Logan decided for, some reason, to shoot several scenes with colored filters. Apparently the final resulting look was harsher that what he had hoped for, but he never had time to correct it before the film's release. The resulting scenes do have a kind of dreamy quality, assuming your dream is that you're viewing the world from the inside of a giant lemon Jell-O mold. 

Besides Gaynor, the main attractions of the film are the superb songs. They don't write 'em like that anymore, right Lin-Manuel? I will grant though that the lyrics are quite dated. "There is nothin' like a dame". Indeed. Remember however that this was written in 1949.

Gaynor's performance and the terrific musical numbers more than compensate for the film's few flaws.

Rating:  8/10

South Pacific (2001) TV

South Pathetic

Because of its few flaws, there have been a number of people who have suggested that it might be a good idea to do a remake of the 1958 film "South Pacific". Well, I disagree. No one, I mean no one ever, can better Mitzi Gaynor as Nurse Forbush. 

However, someone did make a pathetic attempt at a remake; a TV movie from 2001 which I must regretfully say I've had the displeasure of seeing. 

War surely is hell if this tele-trash is any kind of representation. Holy Bloody Mary! I'd rather swab the entire deck of an aircraft carrier with a toothbrush than to subject myself to another viewing of this flotsam. 

Rating: 1/10

While we're on the subject of tele-garbage, I should mention a few other movie musical remakes done for television. Here they are rated along with their original theatre counterparts.

Gypsy (1962)          Rating: 8/10
TV Gypsy (1993)    Rating 4/10

Bye Bye Birdie (1963)        Rating: 7/10
TV Bye Bye Birdie (1995)  Rating: 3/10

The Music Man (1962)       Rating:  10/10
TV Music Man (2003)        Rating:  1/10

Annie (1982)         Rating:  6/10
TV Annie (1999)   Rating:  3/10

RRR (2022)

 RRRidiculous

This is a truly weird movie. Fun, but weird. It's a wacky cross between Marvel and Bollywood.

RRR is very loosely based on actual events. Loose is an understatement. It's so loose that it is falling apart - apart from reality that is. 

A reviewer at RogerEbert.com describes British Governor Scott (played by Ray Stevenson) as a "cartoonishly evil" character. True enough, but that's because everyone and everything in the whole damned movie is cartoonish! Calling one character from this absurdity "cartoonish" is absurd. It's like singling out Elmer Fudd as "the funny animated one" from the "Looney Tunes" series.

I initially did not want to watch this because I feared that it would be like viewing a three hour video game (yes, it's running time is 3 hours and 7 minutes). But, since we have a Netflix subscription, and it was an offering, we decided to give it a try. I wasn't wrong about the video game fears. The film does have that look.

Surprisingly, we were not disappointed in the film's overall entertainment value. Actually, we were quite amused by all the insane scenes and we both frequently laughed out loud. 

But this begs raises the question, "Is RRR a comedy?" To be honest, I'm not sure. Every description I've read labels it a drama. But really? If the producers were looking for drama, then why frame your intended seriousness in the goofiest, craziest, wildest cinematic nonsense of the year?

Due to all of its rib-tickling silliness, I'm giving this movie a marginally positive rating. If it is not supposed to be funny, well, I'll recommend it anyway. Who doesn't need a good laugh these days?

Rating: 5½/10

Good Will Hunting (1997)

A-Hunting We Will Go No More

I recently had the opportunity to see "Good Will Hunting" for the second time. I had not seen it since its video release in 1997. It's funny how nearly twenty years can change your opinion about a movie. I was lukewarm to the film back then, but now - older and wiser - I see it in a new light.

I had initially dismissed this film as a two hour study of a bunch of unlikeable and unbelievable people. But now it is evident that Matt Damon deserved his Oscar nomination for his portrayal of the title character, the good Will Hunting.

Damon does a yeoman's job making us believe in someone who is not only a math genius with a photographic memory, but a barroom-brawler, cynic, janitor, lover, and all-around down-to-earth working-class joe. Damon and his compadre Ben Affleck also deserved their Oscar screenplay win for creating a character more fantastic than any from the mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.

Robin Williams also deserved his Oscar win for having us buy his interpretation of an all-knowing beard-sporting eye-glinting joke-cracking-but-no-nonsense psychologist.

Affleck, director Gus Van Sant, and the rest of the cast merit mention as well for trying to get us to like and accept all the unappealing and implausible characters who populate this fantasy world.

All this leads me to believe that I should revisit films like "Showgirls" (2/10),  "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" (1/10), and "The Greek Tycoon" (2/10). Maybe I was a little too harsh in my initial assessment of those as well.

Yeah, right.

Rating: 3/10

Premium Rush (2012)

Freewheeling Maniacs!

Be careful on the streets of New York. You'll find mayhem, close-calls, accidents, rude behavior, violence, danger; and that's just from the bicycle messengers.

"Premium Rush" is the story of one of those messengers (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who must make an important and urgent delivery through Manhatten rush-hour traffic. Gordon-Levitt's character, Wilee, is such a maniac that he rides a bike without brakes, derailleur gears or de rigueur rails.

Joining Wilee on this thrill ride are Manny (Wolé Parks) and Vanessa (Dania Ramirez). I don't know if this film is supposed to make us feel some sympathy for the plight of the downtrodden bicycle messenger, but I personally was rooting for the bad cop (Michael Shannon) to throw them all in the calaboose for being the dangerous road rascals that they are.

The acting is uneven at best. Ramirez must have gone to the Scowling-Is-Acting School for Young Thespians. Not that she can't make a career out of a scowl. Bruce Willis has been a show-biz success for nearly 30 years with no discernible asset other than a smirk. Shannon's acting isn't much better. I've enjoyed his previous work in "Boardwalk Empire" and the excellent "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" (9/10). Here, however, he vacillates between a tough-as-nails Cagney-like bad guy to an exasperated high-pitched whining comic-relief character reminiscent of Curly Howard.

Most of the film's 90 minutes, is spent wheeling on bicycles through traffic. I found it rather tiresome (ha ha! get it? tiresome... tire... you know... bicycle... forget it).

If it's bicycles and a thrilling chase that you have a craving for, watch two movies - "Breaking Away" (10/10) and "Bullitt" (7/10). You'll get the fix you need and see two definitely better films in the process.

Rating:  4/10

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

Exclamation Pointless!

If a projector could vomit on a movie screen, the result would be Baz Luhrmann's "Moulin Rouge!" I did not necessarily want to end that first sentence with an exclamation point, but it is part of the movie title. This perplexing punctuation point could be due to one or more of the following:

a) It emphasizes that it should DEFINITELY(!) not be confused with the fine 1952 biopic of Toulouse-Lautrec starring José Ferrer.
b) It is used as a warning, as in "Danger!" or "Hazardous to Health!" or "Bad Movie!"
c) It is just an example of the unnecessary and worthless trappings that someone thought they could throw together and pass off as "art".

Let me see if I can sum up this mess for you:

Take a reel or two of 35mm film. Fill it with gaudy, heavy and bloated direction. Add some stomach-churning performances. Throw in a weird goulash of music. Mix it up with enough chopped up, disjointed editing as to produce vertigo,

and VOILA!

Motion picture motion sickness. Cinematic mal de mer. Projector projectile puke. Technicolor yawn.

The remedy for this malady is to view the aforementioned 1952 film, "Moulin Rouge" (7/10) – without the exclamation point!

Rating: 0/10

Footloose (1984)

Bacon Is Served

I wish I could say that Bacon sizzles in this "rebellious youth" tale, but he doesn't. There is a lot of ham on the screen and corn in the flaky dialogue. The storyline is as flat as a pancake.

This is a typical underdog film with all the tired clichés: the bad guys end up with egg on their faces; the town finally wakes up and smells the coffee; the protagonists eventually turn on the juice until ultimately, as you might guess, the antagonists are toast. 

Although Kevin Bacon did an admirable job with his own dancing, I must say that the dancing double used in the more challenging scenes really smoked Bacon.

Incidentally, I was going to review another mid-80s film - "The Breakfast Club" (5/10) - but I've decided to put that pan on the back burner and cook with this one.

You know, it's puzzling that this movie would leave me unsated and hungry for something else. "Naked Lunch" perhaps?

Rating:  4/10

Whiplash (2014)

Whiplash or Whipcord?

I MUST have watched the wrong movie. The reviews I've read for this film could in no way apply to the contrived claptrap I've just seen. Perhaps the positive reviews were intended for that 1974 masterpiece "House of Whipcord."

The movie called "Whiplash" that I saw stars J.K. Simmons as Terence, a music teacher who can slap a face with such force as to make General Patton wince. The film also stars Miles Teller as Andrew, a student of Terence's who yearns to learn from him how to properly play the drums. Andrew accomplishes this by volunteering to let his teacher play the bongos on his face.

I won't say that Damien Chazelle's direction is heavy-handed, but I would probably prefer to stick my head in Andrew's bass drum during the climactic scene than to endure watching that again.

A word of advice to anyone considering seeing this film; go to YouTube instead and do a search for Buddy Rich. You will see the greatest drummer ever, and spare yourself the agony of viewing this over-the-top, trite, clichéd, eye-roll inducing effort. Your eyes and your ears will thank you for it.

Rating: 3/10

Tick, Tick... Boom! (2021)

 Tick, Tick... Plop!

Ugh. What a visual piece of excrement. How can anyone watch this? Director Lin-Manuel Miranda can't seem to keep the camera on one shot for more than five seconds. I guess this is what one would expect from today's attention-deficit culture. Actually, it's not surprising coming from the guy that ruined musical theatre with the horrendous "Hamilton."

Adding to this movie misery is the soundtrack of songs by Jonathan Larson. Oh my aching ears!

If I had worn earplugs and a blindfold, I might now be giving this film a positive review, but alas, I did not.

Rating: 0/10

The Martian (2015)

Keep Him There

At one point in "The Martian", Matt Damon's character mentions that he hasn't bathed in quite a while. My wife turned to me and said, "He must stink!" I replied, "Almost as much as this movie."

I've seen worst movies to be sure. But I would have expected more from director Ridley Scott and certainly a great deal more from one of the better known planets in our solar system.

Damon plays astro-botanist and electromechanical whiz Mark Whatney. This guy makes McGyver look like a five-year-old dealing with an incomplete Tinker Toy set.

As far as the acting and directing go, I suspect that Mr. Scott, while screen testing Jessica Chastain, said something to the effect of, "Yes! That's it! That's the kind of acting I want in this film! I want everyone to simper and smirk and give me that "can-do" attitude. We'll do over two hours of just that! As well, we'll pepper the film with crummy pop music from the seventies. And we'll have none of that four-letter language that I've used in my superior films such as "American Gangster" (9/10). This is going to be a movie that the whole family can suffer through!"

The effects are great. And although I haven't been there yet, the Mars landscape looks real enough. But this is typically overblown Hollywood schmaltz (and you just KNOW how it's going to end).

I should finally mention another notable scene in this film where Damon is sitting in his Martian abode watching a video of a "Happy Days" episode. It raises the question, "Would I rather be 225 million kilometers away on a cold and barren planet watching "Happy Days", or subject myself to another movie like "The Martian" in the comfort of my living room?"

Tough call.

 Rating: 4/10

The Legend Of 1900 (1998)

A Laugh Riot

My wife and I rented the DVD of this wildly crazy and uproariously funny film. We were slapping our knees and rolling on the floor with laughter throughout the entire movie. 

"The Legend of 1900" is the hilarious story of a man (portrayed by Tim Roth) named 1900 (HA! HA! HA!), who has been living on an ocean liner since he was a newborn babe (HO! HO! HO!). While on this perpetual voyage, he learns to play the piano. Not only does he play well, he learns to be the greatest piano virtuoso to ever sweeten the salty air of the seven seas with such splendid sounds (HEE! HEE!).

In one particularly chortle-worthy scene, Tim Roth's character lights a cigarette off of the "hot" piano strings after he completes his effort during a piano duel with Jelly Roll Morton (HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HEE! HEE!, WHEW! Oh my!).

Hold on a second. This just in. I've been advised that this is NOT a comedy. Really?!

Well then, this makes it the most unintentionally funny flick since "The River Wild" (3/10). That one was also a laugh riot.

I should now create a rule when it comes to movie viewing. Never watch anything with "Legend of" in the title, such as "Legend of Bagger Vance" (3/10) or "Legends of the Fall" (4/10) or "Legend of Zorro" (4/10). 

But they're all kind of funny.

Rating: 1/10

The Patriot (2000)

Slo-Mo Agony

I watched this one at home on video. The box it came in should have had a strong warning. I'm not talking about the film's graphic violence but rather the caveat should have read, BE ADVISED: TYPICALLY OVERBLOWN HOLLYWOOD EPIC.

There was so much slow motion in this film that if director Roland Emmerich had shot the scenes in real time, it would have ran (mercifully) about 12 minutes instead of its unbearable 165 minutes. 

Adding to the agony was Mel Gibson displaying his usual unusual bug-eyed style of "acting."

If only I had known beforehand that the director was the same guy who gave us such garbage as "Universal Soldier" (1/10), Independence Day (3/10), and Godzilla (2/10), I could have saved a few bucks and spared myself this excruciating experience.

Rating 2/10

La La Land (2016)

La La Long

When do I finally realize that I'm not enjoying a particular movie? This realization usually comes when a scene in the film reminds me of some other movie and I find myself longing to watch that film instead of the one I am desperately trying to enjoy.

In the case of "La La Land", this didn't take too long.

During the duo dance scenes between Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling, I found myself longing to watch Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell.

During the jazz music scenes, I found myself longing to put on some music from Miles Davis or Dave Brubeck.

Damien Chazelle's soufflé-light screenplay made me long for some sort of story with substance. Let's face it; even your longest allowable tweet would carry as much storytelling weight as this script.

When considering Chazelle's direction, I found myself longing for a musical directed by Vincent Minnelli.

And while all this longing was going on, I was longing for a shorter film. La La Land is not a long production when compared with "West Side Story" (1961) (9/10) or "The Music Man" (10/10) (and let's not make any further comparisons with those great films) but, it sure as heck seemed like a long, long movie.

Dictionary.com defines the phrase "la la land" as "a state of being out of touch with reality." I won't disagree with that definition. About halfway into this flick, I was beginning to drift off into Dictionary.com's interpretation.

Luckily, I had some severe arthritis pain in my right big toe that kept me alert long enough to long for some relief; algesic or cinematic, and to keep me awake long enough so that I could make a valid critique of this picture.

Finally, I long for the day when someone will make a musical that's even half as watchable as the last good Hollywood musical — "Hairspray" (7/10) (which really wasn't all that long ago, was it?)

Rating:  5/10

The Hurt Locker (2008)

Beware The Desert Bomb

This is a movie about bombs. Lots of bombs. Desert bombs.

The End.

That's pretty much it. Oh sure, a few other things happened. You wanna hear about 'em? OK. I'll provide you with a little more, oh faithful reader.

I'm still not sure what the title "The Hurt Locker" refers to. It's not about well-secured first aid kits, nor is it about gymnasium facilities for actors William, John, or even Mary Beth.

This celluloid endeavor was directed by Kathryn Bigelow; the deft hand behind such legendary screen classics as "Point Break" and "Blue Steel". It stars Jeremy Renner as Staff Sergeant William James, an expert at diffusing bombs. Joining him on the Explosivity Disposaling Unit are Sergeant JT Sanborn (Anthony Mackie), and Owen Eldrige (Brian Geraghty)

Renner was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance. I'm not sure why this is. The supporting performances - most notably Mackie's - were, in my opinion, superior. All Renner did was act "cool". Oh, so "cool". Desert "cool". But if looking "cool" is the only criterion used for award recognition, then David Caruso should be nominated for a Nobel Prize.

The film centers mostly on the antics of Sergeant James. James loves dismantling things that can blow you into a zillion pieces. He'd rather do that than live a peaceful life in a nice home with his beautiful wife. We're shown some of his domestic life, but the movie doesn't show the good stuff. No. Instead we see him cleaning out the eaves trough of his house.

Now I've cleaned out a few roof gutters in my time, but the one depicted here has to be the gunkiest gutter in the history of home maintenance. And he's cleaning it out with his bare hand!!! C'mon, use a scoop, or a trowel, or a toy shovel, a stick, a shoe, anything. I'd rather diffuse bombs in Iraq than have to clean out that gutter in that fashion.

Another scene worth mentioning shows the guys - after getting a little snockered - engaging in an activity where good judgment and mental acuity would be a distinct disadvantage. The "game" involves taking turns hitting each other as hard as possible in the stomach. My wife, while watching this powerful and touching scene, turned to me and asked, "Why do men do those kind of things?"

You know, we men just have to chuckle when women ask us such questions. It was obvious to me, but I patiently explained it to her that this was a gesture of endearment. Women hug. Men try to smash the bejabers out of each other. It's their way of saying, "You're OK in my book." And nothing says it better than a ruptured spleen.

A word of warning here to those prone to seasickness: the camerawork in this film is of that hand-held style that so many directors are wont to use these days. I suppose they feel it gives their movies that gritty, realistic, documentary look - which is ironic, since documentary filmmakers rarely use the technique anymore. Besides, if it's supposed to look realistic, then why don't I see the real world that way through my eyes? Although if I did, I'd be making an appointment - and pronto - with an ophthalmologist or a brain surgeon.

If you have a tough time watching this film due to that camera style, then avoid "The Bourne Ultimatum" (1/10) at all costs. You would not survive. Its visuals are worse than any bone-jarring experience you could imagine

I once took a ride on a gigantically tall roller coaster. Its peak disappeared into the clouds. It was called the Red Ripper, or the Brown Streak, or the Green Puker - something like that. Anyway, all I know is that I was smiling after that ride. I wasn't smiling after "The Bourne Ultimatum".

In closing, I should say that even though I had some reservations about renting the DVD of "The Hurt Locker", I was able to take something positive from it - a lesson.

The lesson learned is, pay attention to your reservations.

Rating: 4/10

Hugo (2011)

Spielsese or Scorberg?

Warning: Spoilers

"Hugo" is directed by either Spielberg or Scorsese. I think it's Scorsese, but it felt like Spielberg. The film even had some John Williams-style BIG music, composed by Canadian Howard Shore. Yeah, that's right, the Canadian saxophone player from the Canadian band Lighthouse! (I had to get in some Canadian content there)

This fantasy is about a boy who lives in the walls of a Paris train station. Not since "The Legend of 1900" have I heard of anything this screwy. Inside these walls are the guts of the station's clocks. The guts consist of cogs, gears, counterweights, pinions, springs, and - inexplicably - steam.

During the course of the film, we learn that Hugo is the dude that built C3PO (or some C3PO prototype). C3PO reveals to Hugo that the local old grump (played by Ben Kingsley) is in fact a forerunner to movie wizards like Spielsese or Scorberg.

Anyway, I saw this movie in regular old boring 2D at a local theatre which hasn't changed much since its days as a Nickelodeon. I didn't realize it was a 3D film until the scene where some pages with drawings go flying from the kids' hands and drift all over the screen. At first I was thinking, "What the hell is this all about? Am I supposed to be mesmerized by fluttering stationery?" Then I realized that this was intended to be seen in super-duper 3D. "Ahh," I thought, "Now I see. Ooooh, that would have been so cool to see all that paper flying around in 3D." We haven't witnessed anything like this in cinematic history since the famous bolo-bat scene in the 1953 film "House of Wax" (6/10).

Hugo does a lot of hiding and running, primarily from a train station cop played by Sacha Baron Cohen. Cohen's character is an amalgam of Inspectors Javert and Clouseau. He and his trusty Doberman Pinscher cannot seem to track down the elusive boy who knows the station and its walls like the inner workings of an automaton. During one climactic scene, Hugo gives the Inspector the slip by doing a Harold Lloyd impression from a clock tower.

Once the Inspector catches up with Hugo, they have a talk. During the conversation, the little urchin makes the Inspector laugh. The Inspector tells him that he's funny. Hugo then says, "I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to ******' amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? What the **** is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!"

Wait a minute. I might me confused. That dialog might be from a different movie - a real Scorcese film.

Rating:  5/10

Flight (2012)

The Whipster

"Flight" stars Denzel Washington as Whip Whitaker, a pilot who can fly a passenger jet through the eye of a needle even though he's downed enough alcohol to put Haystacks Calhoun on his keester.

Whitaker is no stranger to other mind-altering substances. He apparently can drink ten gallons of 150 proof hooch, fall asleep, then get himself back on his feet by snorting several lines of cocaine. And with all those drugs swirling around in his liver, he can expertly maneuver a disabled airplane upside-down (to be clear, it's the airplane that's upside-down. Although the Whipster could likely fly it standing on his head). What a stud!

However this is a pretty good movie. You'll really enjoy it if, like the Whip, you first dispose of a few brain cells. 

Rating:  6/10

Spartacus (1960)

A Dang Good Flick

Warning: Spoilers

In 1960, Stanley Kubrick released his colossal, towering, gargantuan, monumental, epic blockbuster "SPARTACUS!!!!" Okay, it isn't that spectacular, but it is a pretty dang good flick.

Spartacus stars Kirk Douglas as an impudent Thracian slave. Thracians, as depicted in the film, were a race of people known for a particular physical characteristic - they had chin dimples the size of walnuts.

Because Spartacus is such an uppity wisenheimer, he is sentenced to a life as a gladiator. Not that it's all bad. He gets to work out a lot and is "whipped" into incredible physical shape. Also, he receives occasional visits from another slave who also happens to be a tasty dish named Varinia (played as a genteel aristocrat by Jean Simmons).

Douglas does a fine job as the brooding gladiator. Other standouts include Charles Laughton as Gracchus; not to be confused with Crassus, a gourmet who likes both escargot and shellfish, played by Laurence Olivier. Peter Ustinov provides some Oscar-winning semi-comic relief as the sniveling sycophant Batiatus.

Another major character in the film is Antoninus, played by Tony Curtis. Tony (which is short for Antoninus) is a "singer" of "songs". His "songs" are just poems spoken in a Bronx accent.

During the course of the movie, Spartacus escapes from gladiator school and assembles a considerable army of fellow undergraduates. Spartacus is well-loved by his men, and this is illustrated in one particularly moving scene.

When the Romans capture Spartacus and his men, Crassus threatens to kill them all unless someone betrays their leader (who Crassus believes is a communist). Spartacus - in a heroic effort to spare his men - stands up to reveal himself, but Antoninus beats him to the punch. He jumps to his sandaled feet and yells out, "I'm Spartacus." This sets off a chain reaction. Another guy stands up and shouts, "I'm Spartacus." And another, "I'm Spartacus." Another, "I'm Spartacus." And so on.

The Romans were very frustrated by this, because now instead of one pesky Spartacus, they had to deal with a whole slew of Spartaci.

Legend has it that this event spawned an entire generation of scofflaws. Whenever a centurion confronted a non-Roman for some infraction - say a speeding chariot - the inevitable happened: "Name?"
"Spartacus."
"All right wise guy. Thirty days in the dungeon."

Anyway, this is a very good film that I highly recommend. And, if I may, I'd like to close out this "review" with one of Antoninus' "songs":

"When the blazing wind hangs low in the western sky when the sun flies away to the mountain when the "song" of the crow scares the locusts from the fields and maidens sleep in the sea foam at last at twilight time..."

Or something like that.

Rating:  9/10

I should mention that Kubrick is probably my favorite film director. His movies include, "2001: A Space Odyssey" (10/10),  "A Clockwork Orange" (9/10), "Paths of Glory" (8/10), "The Shining" (8/10), "Dr. Strangelove" (8/10), and "Eyes Wide Shut" (7/10).

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Hooray For The Ham

Martin Scorcese seems to have a penchant for creating films about loathsome characters. That being said, the low-lifes in this film make the gang in "GoodFellas" (9/10) seem like a bunch of guys you'd really like to hang with.

If you can like a film about dislikeable people, then the director of that film has really achieved something ("GoodFellas", for example). This movie however left me with an excruciating three-hour urge to strangle someone. In fact, the only thing I found myself applauding was the piece of ham that got caught in the throat of Donnie Azoff (played to the nth degree of irritation by Jonah Hill).

Speaking of ham, the entire cast was guilty of histrionic hysteria, including the usually reliable Leonard DiCaprio. They all seemed eager to show the audience just how pleased they were to be in a Scorcese movie. And Scorcese himself seemed eager to show the audience that he can still make a film that is not even near as good as, but is kinda, sorta, almost like "GoodFellas" (hadn't he learned anything from "Casino" (5/10)?)

This is the 2nd time I've panned a Scorcese film on this site, so I decided to look at his body of work and see how many of his films I've truly enjoyed over the years. There aren't many. "GoodFellas" is his best. Others include, "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore", "The Last Temptation of Christ", "The Last Waltz", and "After Hours" (all 7/10).

I wouldn't suggest that Mr. Scorcese is not a good director. I just wish he would make more movies about people and things we can care about.

Now, if he could just make a whole movie about that piece of ham...

Rating:  4/10

A River Runs Through It (1992)

A Reviewer Sleeps Through It

I have recently watched - inexplicably for the second time - Robert Redford's film, "A River Runs Through It."

This movie may not have won a mittful of awards, but it has been recommended by the International Society of Sleep Disorder Orderlies for its powerful sedative effects.

Brad Pitt plays Paul, the ne'er-do-well brother of Norman, played by Craig Sheffer. Their father is a God-fearing-but-fish-tormenting preacher played by Tom Skerritt. The plot seems to be some sort of allegory.

For those who do not know what an allegory is, I shall explain:

When you have an adverse reaction to something - be it weeds, dust, pollen, pet dander, insect bites, or boring movies - then you are said to be suffering from an allegory. Treatment for such is a strong antihistamine which will likely knock you completely off your toes. Luckily, in the case of "A River Runs Through It", the antihistamine is built right into the movie! You won't even notice your allegory!

However, as any exalted reviewer would, I must criticize at least one intention of this film. Redford likely wants the viewer to hanker for a day of fly-fishing. Rather, I found that I might welcome spending some time with my ne'er-do-well brother watching paint dry.

Rating: 5/10

Boyhood (2014)

Warning:  Strong Coffee Required

"... a scintillating, sizzling explosion of cinematic fireworks; a dazzling, dizzying, break-neck roller coaster ride that leaves you breathless and thunderstruck."

That excerpt from a review would apply to a typical Ingmar Bergman offering when stacked up against "Boyhood."

"Boyhood" of course, is not an action packed film, nor is it an exciting one. It is best described as the work of a great painter. No, not Picasso or Modigliani, but more like Bob from Bob's Painting and Drywall. Bob may do a wonderful job on your walls, but I don't expect you'll want to spend much time sitting in a chair staring at his final product.

Yes, this is a well made film, and some of the acting - particularly that of Ethan Hawke - is fine, but what can you say about a movie that serves up such original lines as "I'm glad you were born" and "Don't forget to floss"?

I should also mention the performance of Ellar Coltrane who plays the main character Mason. Coltrane's lethargic acting immensely adds to the soporific qualities of this film. He really could have benefited from a few cups of espresso before stepping in front of the camera. In fact, I also recommend a good shot of caffeine for anyone intent on watching this.

Writer/director Richard Linklater apparently uses Turtle Pacing Technology, a revolutionary new technique wherein a film that takes twelve years to make somehow also manages to make the audience feel as if they have just spent an equal amount of time in their theater seats.

This new technology should have been nominated for a Scientific and Technical Award Oscar. Incidentally, the Academy's Sci-Tech awards are no longer broadcast on television due to the fact that they are "too exciting" according to Richard Linklater.

So if you are in the mood for cavalierly tossing aside nearly three hours of your adulthood, then by all means have a look at "Boyhood."

Rating: 5/10

The Impossible (2012)

Mawkish Maudlin Movie

mawkish adj. 1. Excessively and objectionably sentimental. 2. Sickening or insipid in taste.

To describe "The Impossible" as mawkish is like calling Joe Pesci's character in "Goodfellas" (9/10) "not nice".

"The Impossible" is one family's story of survival in the aftermath of the tsunami that struck Thailand on Boxing Day in 2004. The special effects used to recreate the tsunami are very impressive. I was saying "Wow" at that point of the movie. As the film progressed, I found myself saying "Wow" in a different manner; while rolling my eyes in disbelief at the acting and dialog. Based on that, a better title for this flick would have been "The Implausible."

The screenplay is by Sergio G. Sánchez from María Belón's story. Belón is the woman portrayed in the film by Naomi Watts. Since the writers were Spanish, we can only hope that something was lost in translation since I hardly believed any of the characters' words.

Watts does a decent job in the lead role, and it's a credit to her that she succeeds even to that extent, considering the direction and writing. Other actors don't fare as well. Tom Holland, who plays her son Lucas, shows some promise as an actor, but here he mostly comes off as an overly sentimental caricature. The other main character is the father portrayed by Ewan McGregor. McGregor's "acting" consists mainly of looking anguished in blood-smear makeup while screaming out the names of his family members.

Director Juan Antonio Bayona has decided that the best way to convey the hardship and emotions experienced by the poor souls who suffered through this ordeal is to show closeups of their faces to the accompaniment of some Williamsesque BIG music. I could just imagine John Williams (a.k.a. The Big Schmaltzy) sitting in a theater where this was playing, wincing and saying, "Eww, too much music."

I have to say that I felt a little uncomfortable while watching this movie. Here was a real and devastating tragedy, and I was feeling as much emotion as I do when I watch my computer run a virus scan. Those who suffered through this catastrophe deserve to have their stories told with dignity and gravitas. At the very least they deserve more than this uninspired and maudlin celluloid effort.

Rating: 4/10

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

 Palpitating In My Pajamas

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?" (4/10) Dumb. "The Hills Have Eyes?" (3/10) Boring. "The Exorcist?" (6/10) Humorous. "The Shining?" (8/10) Lots of fun. Any of them scary? Naw. Why not? Because as a kid, I survived a viewing of "The Wizard of Oz."

It is true that I no longer find movies frightening. Some of them, like "The Shining", are downright creepy, but I haven't been scared by a movie since I was a young boy. "The Wizard of Oz" with its evil flying monkeys, wicked witches, and the gigantic phantom-like head of Oz himself - accompanied by smoke and fire - was frightening enough to make me hide under the bed for the rest of my life. I'm telling you, that scene where the Wicked Witch of the West throws a fireball that ignites the scarecrow nearly made me mess my little drawers. Even the opening scenes with the dread Almira Gulch and the nasty Kansas twister had me palpitating in my pajamas. 

Although I won't admit to being scared by it anymore, I still watch The "Wizard of Oz" every year or two. It is incredible that this film was made in 1939. The special effects for that day and age are astounding (I still don't know how they did those soaring simians). The whole movie seems fresh and ageless. The entire cast is outstanding, led by Judy Garland's unforgettable turn as Dorothy Gale. Heck, even Terry as Toto gives one of the most memorable canine performances of all time. 

Perhaps the most enduring and endearing scene is Garland's rendering of the Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg song "Over the Rainbow." Just watching that scene makes me think of spring - you know; rainbows, bluebirds, skies that are blue, and impending tornadoes. 

Director Victor Fleming gives us the film's opening and closing scenes in sepia-toned black and white. The scenes in Oz are in Technicolor. This is a stroke of interpretive genius, giving the whole Oz experience a fantastic dreamlike quality. The fact that Fleming directed this and "Gone With The Wind" (8/10) in the same year is astounding. 

I'm not sure I've seen a movie this decade that can match either of those.

Rating: 10/10

The Blind Side (2009)

The Papaya of Football Movies

Oh, me and my decisions!

When I heard all the buzz about Sandra Bullock's performance in "The Blind Side", I decided that I just had to rent the DVD. Similarly, when I heard all the buzz about papaya, I decided that I just had to try some. Both of those decisions left a bad taste in my mouth.

Perhaps I will post a critique of papaya on some food review site (Rotten Kumquats?), but here I must review films.

Bullock plays Leigh Anne Tuohy, a plucky gun-wielding mom with a lot of spunk (remember what Lou Grant said about spunk?) One day, Leigh Anne notices a behemoth named Michael Oher (played well by Quinton Aaron) walking around shivering and homeless. She invites him to stay overnight in her upscale home.

Now, I don't know about most guys, but if some rich woman that looked like Sandra Bullock invited me to stay overnight in her home, I'd be there faster than a Viagra-laden Superman flying to his date with Lois Lane. However, after a few minutes of listening to Tuohy's junior- high psychology as well as enduring her general all-around annoying personality, I'd be out of there faster than Sarah Palin's ouster from a Mensa meeting.

Then there's Bullock's performance itself. I don't know if it suffered from the fact that she was portraying such an irritating person. I was hoping some hulk from the football team would mistake her for a blocking sled and... well, not really. But maybe the fact that the character got under my skin so much says something about Bullock's acting.

I doubt however that this is what was intended by all those involved in making this flick. But even discounting the annoying main character, John Lee Hancock's dull and tedious direction makes this movie hard to bear.

And, by the way, I'm still waiting for the first great football film to be made (the best of the bunch, "Jerry Maguire" (8/10) and "Heaven Can Wait" (8/10), can only marginally be considered football films).

However, I wouldn't be surprised if someone has already made a movie about papaya that is more palatable than "The Blind Side."

Rating: 3/10